Currently I am at the lowest point ever in my marriage. It is the make or break period. I wondered what went wrong. Men can be quite oblivious to things going on domestically and I am no different. My wife has her issues too but I did not think it would come to this point of desperation. I have never felt so depressed in our marriage.
Before I would always blame our kids, indirectly, for our marriage troubles. The vast majority of disagreements, annoyances, arguments, etc. are either directly or indirectly related to our children who are now 5 and 7 years old. Example, when and how much time you have for yourself. If there would be no children, it would be not an issue because there is plenty of time. Who brings the kids to school and picks them up today. What to feed the kids. How much TV they get and when. Where to go on holiday, as the amount of traveling and the location has to be suitable. What kind of transportation to use when taking the children somewhere. To take the children out for dinner or not with possible tantrums we have to deal with. The list goes on.
Of course the experience depends a lot on the personality of the children as some are easy to deal with and some are not. In general for us, it is hard work. Even when having a six figure salary (pre-covid), with a maid, a nanny, and never having to worry about money. That all changed when covid hit. No money, and having to do everything ourselves, putting even more pressure on our relationship.
I realize that I have not been the husband I could have been. Now I try to change every single thing I can but it might be too late. It made me think a lot though. Why is this so damn hard? Why is it so hard to raise children and why is it so hard to be married? I thought about the role of our children in our marriage and realized that it is not their fault. They are just children. They have to deal with a lot of temptations, addictions, and wants in this modern life. They don't know any better. They don't know a world without TV, YouTube, screen based games, candy, electronic toys, etc. And of course us parents have our addictions, needs, and wants also. We need a house, nice clothing, nice and easy food, a car or motorbike, holiday, nights out, and the list goes on. Of course to afford all that we have to work very hard, spending less time with the kids. And in order for our kids to go to school, so they can afford to have the same fancy life style later, we have to work very hard also because schools are expensive. But are we really happy? And are our children really happy? It seems we are working and living in circles, being a slave of our own needs.
Then it struck me. The reason why it is so hard to have kids in this world and why it is so hard to be married, is because of our lifestyle. Imagine marriage with children thousands of years ago in a Vedruss society. Kids rarely misbehave because there is not much to misbehave about. There are no toy shops, no mobile phones with YouTube and games, no unhealthy sugary treats, etc. The kids just play with their friends who live close by. No need to arrange play dates and match parent schedules, arrange bringing and pickups, etc. No need to work hard so you not see your kids much. No need for your kids to go to school, at least not the way we know it today. Children were a joy to their parents and they loved spending time with them.
And then there is marriage in those days. No need to wash the dishes as there are very few of those. No need to maintain or buy expensive things for the house or kitchen as there are none. Not getting drunk and getting in trouble as there is no alcohol. No temptations from members of the opposite sex as everyone knows each other, there is no such thing as texting or calling, and no anticonception. No need for sex all the time with our partner because that will get you too many kids pretty quickly. In general, there are very few, if any, of the modern chores and annoyances. Life was simple and enjoyable. Much better in general. One major reason for our marriage problems is because modern life is overly complex. There are so many things we have to deal with, and there are so many worries. Modern life requires a lot of planning, dealing with finances, etc. As my wife is much better at dealing with intuition and feelings and I am much better at dealing with logic and reason, while living in a technocratic world, it naturally leads to conflict. It is just not easy for both of us and that is of course true for the majority of people as well.
That gets me to the solution. Unfortunately I, my wife, and our children did not grow up on a Family Homestead or anything remotely related to that. We are all city people. My wife is not interested in the way of life Anastasia describes. And I understand. It is not easy to give up what you think you want and need. So we will not be moving to the countryside anytime soon. What I will do for now is to be the Vedruss husband she deserves, just without being in nature, for now. Maybe when we are older things will change, who knows. Right now it is unwise to push her in any shape or form. But things will get better, I am sure of it. The image Anastasia paints of a bright future for the Earth with people living in harmony with nature and with happy families is very strong in me. I will make it happen in this lifetime.